A little insight

I wrote this poem years ago, to the man who I've been living with for 4 years.

Because

If you can figure Me out so easily My Love, I am certainly not worth the effort.
Take all you think you know of Me and cast it aside.
If you want to open Me up and find My essence then embrace Me without judgement.
Love Me without expectations - hold Me without fear
Know that worlds exist within Me and be grateful that you are worthy to explore them.
I am not what you expect ... No, I am so much more than that.
You may have met and loved many, but there is only one Me.
Be Blessed in My trust and bless Me with yours - that is most paramount - that is the key.
I am many within one, but all are Devoted, Loving, Wise, Strong and Honorable.
Even at My weakest I am never compromising
At My strongest I am invincible
Even the fantastic has its essence in Truth
My soul is True to you, and your wildest fantasies My subtle waves of whim - bestowed on he who accepts but does not expect.

My poem is true - probably the truest thing I've ever written. I wonder if all women feel this way: the pressure to be a certain ideal to those they love. These constant expectations that I feel. I don't understand how I can possibly be more than I am. I must be intelligent, nurturing, classy, powerful, frightening, motherly, creative, diligent - constantly expected to look over others and guide them. I am not only a mother of 4 children but I am also Mistress Dominae Drakonis - someone who has a reputation and following because I am a Dominatrix and Vampire. I have My sessions where I collar, leash beat and torment My submissives. I am sadistic but nurturing at the same time. I laugh while I humiliate them. I dress in pvc with shiny black boots and fishnet stockings. My makeup is perfect. The way I Dominate and coax responses is perfect.

What I am talking about here is expectations
what is expected of me from others. I've come to the realization that not everyone has as many expectations put upon them as I do. And the truth is, I am a VERY complex woman. I am not always Mistress Dominae Drakonis, and I'm not always Joyce either. I can go from watching a dog dancing in a video on youtube to reading about Stephen Hawking's theories on the existence of God within moments. I can dress in sweatpants and a tee shirt that reads Nihilistics and then moments later be in a long black gown.

The man who I live with - My Love - My heart - he should know Me by now. I wrote that poem to him years ago. What I don't understand is that he's still trying to figure Me out. He'll say things like "oh, you don't do that," or "this isn't you at all." Really? Well, if I'm doing it, then it must be Me, right? He's pressuring Me to write a book and the one thing he should know for sure by now is that if you pressure Me to do something, I'm not going to do it.

It's not only he who has expectations of Me, but My subs as well. They expect Me to be a cruel harsh Mistress, because I am a Vampire and Witch. They expect Me to bark out orders, crush them mercilessly. Well.... No. That's just not Me. And I did not get the good reputation I have because of other's expectations. There is nothing worse to Me than a sub who tells Me what they think I should do to them. "Dominate Me, but do it in THIS PARTICULAR WAY. Oh, I'll serve you and do whatever you say... I'll submit to your every whim - JUST DO IT THIS WAY." That's called Topping from the bottom and it's not going to happen with Me. If you want to serve Me then serve ME - not every other Domme you've served, or your fantasy of what a Domme is!

I guess what most don't understand is that I get tons of offers from submissive men every day. Many of the messages get weeded out immediately. Those that do get a response from Me have to show some sort of merit or stand out from the others. Of those, only a few will get accepted to serve Me. And even though I am a pro and lifestyle Domme, that does not mean that I'll take on anyone who will pay tribute for a session. See, I actually have to want to session with you. I don't care how much money you have - if you're a jerk you're not serving Me. It's frustrating and disappointing how few actually get accepted to serve Me. I honestly wish there were more who I wanted to play with. I don't understand how men can say that they're submissive, but when you actually converse with them they seem to care nothing about you or what your needs are. They care only about their own needs and desires. That's not being submissive at all. You have to actually know about Me, who I am as a person and want to please ME because I am who I am, not because I'm some random Domme. I'm not like the others you've served. I never expect My sub to be like all the others. Why do subs expect Me to be like all of the other Dommes?

Everyone who's had the pleasure of serving Me has told Me that I am unique. They've also left their session with a big smile, completely relaxed and floating from subspace. I've been told that I am much better than the other pro dommes. I wouldn't know, since I don't really observe other dommes. I just do things My way. I am very sadistic and very playful but I do know that I make My submissives relaxed and comfortable- even if they're crawling on the floor or yelling in pain. Believe Me, I'm not saying that I'll go easy on you. I'm just saying that you'll be comfortable even if I'm pushing your limits. You'll know that you're in good hands and that you're pleasing Me by serving Me.

As for the other aspects of who I am - well, let's just say that I must be knowledgeable about everything and able to fix other people's screw ups at a moments notice. I wonder why the others are just allowed to screw up and I'm expected to fix it? It just doesn't seem fair. I joke and tell people that I'd love to go insane just for one day so that I could do whatever I wanted and everyone would just accept it! It would be a wonderful break.

The time when I shine the most; the times when really beautiful and incredible things happen; are when I'm left alone without expectations. It doesn't happen often, but when it does and I'm free? Then I'm capable of extraordinary things

(which lead to more expectations... and the circle begins again....) (sigh)